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As an outspoken feminist, who is not afraid of the "F" word, I find that I am often drawn into conversations that baffle me. One of these particular conversations is some variation "Feminism accomplished what it needed to accomplish." This is considered a baffler because, honestly, I encounter some form of discriminatory activity almost every day.
As women charting the relatively new environment of succeeding at work while having families, it seems every aspect of our lives are up for debate. And this is not simply a male issue. Often the most critical voices against women are other women.
Below is something I jotted down after a day where I felt particularly bedraggled. I had been emotionally accosted by someone I very much needed on my side and the biggest issue of the day was that I was hoping for more. I needed to identify the things at the center, the things that would hold, the things that pinned me to earth. These points are the central pull of gravity for me. Please feel free to share them if they speak to you.
As women charting the relatively new environment of succeeding at work while having families, it seems every aspect of our lives are up for debate. And this is not simply a male issue. Often the most critical voices against women are other women.
Below is something I jotted down after a day where I felt particularly bedraggled. I had been emotionally accosted by someone I very much needed on my side and the biggest issue of the day was that I was hoping for more. I needed to identify the things at the center, the things that would hold, the things that pinned me to earth. These points are the central pull of gravity for me. Please feel free to share them if they speak to you.
1) I am a strong woman. This defines me. It does not need to define you or your relationship to me. It does not make you weak, hen-pecked, or the underdog for me to be myself in front of you.
2) I have firm opinions that I have formed by constantly churning them. I believe that you may have meaningful contributions to these beliefs and I am excited to learn from you, if you can approach my thoughts and beliefs with respect.
3) I laugh and joke and celebrate out loud. I also grieve this way. Extraverts process their experiences outside of themselves. Labels like "emotional", "PMS-y" or "temperamental" are not accurate or fair. I am simply responding out loud in a way that other women may inwardly. These labels are not only wrong, but judgmental and discriminatory.
4) It is harder for me to ignore things that I do not believe are fair or correct because of the way I process the world. When I attempt to understand these things it has nothing to do with my beliefs about you or my relationship to you, it has to do with the fact that I am passionate about my beliefs.
5) I have friends who will advocate for me. Because I am open with people, people are open with me. Because I am often laughing and joking, I am received in a friendly way by many people. This is not a threat to you. It has nothing to do with you.
6) I need to be busy and to feel like my time is being spent in a worthwhile way. This is not meant to be a power play or an aggressive career move or to demonstrate my abilities, this is my own way of going home feeling satisfied with myself and how I spent my time.
7) My husband is not weaker because I am strong. My husband is a man married to a strong woman and this does not change his personality whatsoever. Our communication style is one unique to our marriage, as all marriages develop their own culture. It works for us and is not open for your criticism. We accommodate each other and compromise regularly as all successful marriages require.
8) Because I like to be engaged with many projects, it may be tempting to put too much on my plate or ask me to help with your next project. However, I am not Super Woman. As much as I find being busy gratifying, I find being too busy to be exhausting and stressful just like you do.
9) I have embraced my sexuality as a healthy expression of who I am, but please do not market products to me as if being more beautiful or sexual will increase my happiness, power, or control over my life. Power gained using sexual arousal is not real power. And I am searching for real influence, the type that has been afforded to men for centuries and has never, in my understanding of history, been afforded to them because of their flawless skin or amazing breasts.
10) I may not play "the game" as well as you because I do not necessarily believe in the validity of "the game". I have evolved past it in an attempt to establish rules that treat me fairly and respect my personhood. This may frustrate you, but I will never step back into that realm again.
*I use the word strong to describe an extraverted personality similar to the DiSC personality profile's iD and Di. To some this may sound as though I deem women of other women of quieter personality types as "weak". This is not my intention, however, you can feel free to substitute whatever adjective seems more accurate to you. Some I can think of include: upfront, direct, loud, assertive, driven, fast-paced.... the list can go on and no word is perfect. Please observe the spirit of my statements, as all words are really metaphors after all.
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